About five years ago, I was sitting in the apartment staring at the ring on my finger. Fear washed over me more than excitement. It was not cold feet. I don’t know why I thought it would be different once marriage was on the table, but I wanted to believe it would work. Pain gripped my heart as thoughts flooded my mind of saying “I do” for the rest of my life. The date was set, and the plans were made.
I thought to myself, “I have to make this work.” After he’d dropped a bomb on my heart, I still fought to hold on. There were a lot of problems, but no relationship is perfect, right? I wanted him to feel an ounce of empathy for the last two and half years he put me through. For the lies, cheating, and the broken promises. But I received nothing. He didn’t care that he broken my heart. I was so consumed with pain, anger and sadness as tears streamed down my face.
I shut the bedroom door, laid my head on the pillow. I can’t find the words to explain what happened that night. I felt the presence of Lord speak to me, “Daughter, I don’t like to see you suffer like this. I can mend your wounds and heal your heart. Come to me. It is time I show you, my love.” I felt the comfort of those words. But I couldn’t shake the crippling pain of fear as I realized I didn’t have the strength to end the relationship. I was afraid to be alone. I remember calling my mom and she shared, how much she loved me and supported whatever decision I made. “Marriage is significant” and she knew how much I wanted to get married but in the right way. How am I going to do this?
I spent the next few days praying and crying. I’d dragged myself out of bed, dressed, and went to work. Throughout the day, I’d asked the Lord, “Give me strength and wisdom to do this because I am afraid.” One of my friends sent a video sermon. In the video, the speaker shared a prayer. He explained, “God, don’t send me anyone until you say I am ready.” All I know is those words struck a chord in my heart and penetrated my mind. God was asking me to surrender my heart to Him. Submit to His will over my love life. God’s strength and grace poured out. God gave me the courage to confront my ex-fiancé,
“I am breaking off this engagement. I cannot settle for a relationship built on lies, secrets, and infidelity. I do not want to build a marriage on distrust. We cannot be together. It’s over.“
For years, I was blinded to the fact I idolized men. I worshiped how they made me feel, the attention they gave me, and I believed they could provide love. This is why I walked the road of promiscuity. My sinful heart craved it. I searched for acceptance and sacrificed my purity. It took a couple of weeks without being with my ex-fiancé as the veil began to lift. I could see the control I allowed my ex to have over me. By staying in the relationship, I approve of the lies, cheating, and secrets. God broke the chains of bondage I had clung to so tightly. Though I felt tremendous pain for many months, it was the best thing that ever happened. To this day, I praise the Lord for taking that man out of my arms!
Clearing my heart of this sin was a process. Temptation pressured me to fall back into old habits. There were a lot of deep sorrow as I watched many of my family, friends, and those on social media get married before me. There were many nights when I cried out to the Lord, “Please bring me a husband. I feel so lonely.” But God reminded me that what I needed was not a husband but His love was enough to fill the void in my heart. (Psalm 147:3) The journey ahead wasn’t going to be easy, but I had God on my side to guide and protect me.
I learn to embrace the good, bad, and ugly of singleness. I’ll never forget the moment I felt truly free from heartache. I was alone in my studio apartment, reading my bible, and felt a sense of peace surround me. I was alone physically, but I was aware of God’s presence, and He was enough. I reached a sense of contentment, a word I’ve heard but never experienced. God had settled upon my heart. I never thought it was possible to experience joy and contentment as a single. But God had done a miracle.
For some who are curious or may already know, I did get married. In 2021, God brought me a wonderful, godly man who loves the Lord and me so well. My happy ending was not that I got married (although I am honored, God granted me the platform of marriage). I found everything I needed in Christ alone. The victory was I came to salvation and committed my life to the Lord. That’s something which should be celebrated. God became my soul’s greatest desire, and it gave me more freedom than I ever dreamed. As amazing as it is to be married, I will always miss the beauty of my season of singleness, where all my adoration and affection went to the Lord. He was and remains still the greatest gift to me.
(Disclaimer: There are a lot of great men in the world. Yes! Praise God for the gift of godly men and women. Trust God to write your story.)
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